Asalam Alaikum sheikh.
I am very ashamed and very embarrassed to even be writing this but I feel a void inside me and I have no one to seek.
I feel as though my Iman is weakening, actually I know it is. My Iman is very weak and it’s only getting worse. I have been struggling to keep up with my prayers for a really long time and I’m only 17. I don’t pray frequently and I don’t know why, Everytime I try and go back and keep up with my prayers I just can’t do it. I want to care, I want to feel the importance of praying but I just can’t seem to do it.
that is already bad enough but I have fallen into the trap of watching porn. It’s been a really long time and I keep trying to quit but I just keep going back, and it is very hard especially witht the easy access to it, it is one click away. Every time I repent and try to ignore it my mind seems to go back to those foul images and my own desires. I have tried to search for solutions before but nothing helped and many sheiks suggest marriage! I am 17 that is a really long way ahead, I must go to college and get a job. Marriage isn’t my priority and I can’t get married at 17 and I could never tell my parents why I want to get married.
I hate it so much and I try to stop but I just cannot and it seems like there is no way out. I am terrified of having a bad end, I do not want to die when allah is not happy with me. I want to be a good Muslim that does good deeds but I have fallen in the traps of shaytan. I don’t even think it’s shaytan anymore, it’s me. It’s all me and saying it’s shaytan is just an excuse to make myself feel better. I hoped that when Ramadan came that I’d fix myself. The first couple of days were fine but then I broke down again, I neglected my prayers and I tried so hard not to watch the videos but I ended up doing it anyway and I absolutely hate myself for it, I wasted a month that comes once a year. Shaytan is locked up in Ramadan so what is my excuse other than I’m just a damaged irreparable human. I don’t think I could ever be a good Muslim. Nothing I do represents a good Muslim.
when I try and read the quran I feel very detached from it. I feel as though I’m reading words that are flowing over my head and like I’m forced to read it. I don’t like feeling that way. my Iman is very weak and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to die being a bad Muslim, if I can even call myself that.
I hope you have an answer and some encouragement for me, I really desperately need it. Thank you.