I am 22 years old who just recently graduated from university studying engineering. As a child i was always quiet and would drift off and be lost in my own thoughts (this has been confirmed by family and friends who where older), from a young age i remeber feeling i didnt belong in this world for many reasons including noticing the world is not a nice place from watching people being wronged and also due to being regularly andquite badly beaten by my parents/elders (including cracking my head and going school with black eyes), constantly being dumped down and being bullied, which till today has had a huge impact on my confidence. growing up in that environment taught me to hide my feelings (happiness, anger, sadness) although inside i was very soft and still very soft. i remeber wishing i would be killed quite regularly (not suicidal becasue i was too inoccent to know you could kill yourself) At around the age of 16/17 i began to feel very depressed but couldnt show it and was scared about speaking to a doctor who would tell my parents (as i was younger than 18) and my parents would have labelled my a crazy since they already saw me as a failure because i wasnt doing so well in sixth form at the time. at the same time i began developing physical medical conditions which caused me to have body dysmorphia. i would make cry in dua every night and cry walking home from isha salah that my depression, thoughts and conditon would go away, this on top of my depression caused me to have suicidal thoughts. No one knew i was having suicidal thoughts at the time because i was always portraying myself to happy and when i confided to two close friend who i trusted they just ignored me because i was always acting the clown (to hide my suicidal thoughts), but at night i wouldnt sleep all i could think about for months is why not kill yourself tonight. i eventually went to university after being suicidal for months and made an agreement with myself. i told myself you are only 18/19 and that everyone says it will get better (online). the agreement was ignore your negative feelings and thoughts and try to be positve (fake it till you make it). my depression went away for the most part i would say however my body dysmorphia remained but was to an extent under control. however it still has on impact on my confidence, who and where i interact with. Now that i graduated university i have the financial means to see specialist about my medical conditions, whereas before i would just go to the NHS who give limited medical suppot for rare conditions. the specialists i have been seeing generally saying that not much can be done with my condition and they have not see a case like it before. i find myself like i was when i was 16 crying myself to sleep from making dua. i feel like i have been making dua for 5/6 years and nothing has been answered. may i be forgiven for saying this but at times i felt as if god was trying to make life harder for fun. Now i am a fully grown i still feel like i felt when i was child that i dont belong in this world and as weak i was when i was a teenager crying himself to sleep. with my depression coming back badly and knowing most likely nothing can be done about my medical condition (i might have to live with it for the rest of my life). finding myself crying in dua and myself to sleep ive realised that i have always being suffering mental and have always being the victim of unfortunate circumstance. my question is why is islam so against suicide when i will and the suffering of people in very bad mental state (i have been dead inside for many years now) and why is the punishement for those who commit suicide so serve?
may allah (swt) forgive me for all that is wrong that i wrote in this message.
i would like my email and name to be annoynmous.