I hope you are well and i hope you can help me with my concerns.
I am in need of advice as i have got myself into a very difficult situation.
I am a female muslim revert for a year now previously a christian. I dont have the best knowledge in islam as i am still learning i am
Not perfect and it has been difficult for me to be muslim and my family doesn’t know as they would never approve and it will hurt them. During my religion change i was with a guy who is also muslim we have also been together for a year he is 25 i am 22 now. I met him through a work colleague my work colleague had told me he has knowledge in islam and will answer my questions. We have been together since but during the relationship i have told him several times i want to break up due to islamic reasons however he made me believe everything will be ok during judgement day he will take the blame for my sins etc.. which is obviously not pleasant i always gave into what he had told me and i have got very very attached him to the point where July this year i was 6 weeks pregnant and had an abortion which we agreed mutually but i strong feelings for me but i was never ready to get married and even when we planned to get married some issue would have happened. As he comes from a indian gujirati back ground his family is very strict in what he does however i never got along with them as they’re rude spiteful petty and childish i have always been scared of having bad in laws due to how they have presented themselves i disliked them and started growing hate towards them now this has made him upset and angry towards them. We will spend everyday together after work our weekends together he was always there for me 24/7 and i was doing the same and he always said wallahi he will always be there no matter what etc… now i have asked him to marry me and he said he is not ready because he doesnt have faith in the relationship however he still wants me. He is so quick to use religion against me when it suits him but he doesn’t understand why i want to get married and make it halal. His excuse now is that his family wont approve but when i told him this many times previously in the relationship he said it does not matter what the family thinks as long as i am muslim we can get married but now he is confused and does not know what to do, which leaves me in such a difficult position as i relied so much on this guy emotionally mentally as I have always suffered anxiety and depression he made me happy and forget about my family problems etc as i come from a broken home. It really breaks my heart that i have to deal with this as he was my everything i dont know what to do as i feel so depressed i have been praying making dua fasting I know i want to spend the rest of my life with him i know i dont know the duty of a wife but i am willing to learn to better myself and be the best i can inshallah. He is not sure what he wants but still leading me on and i cant let go. His family are not supportive at all i have begged them to understand and i have told them i want to marry him they know everything about us but it just hurts. He has said Do Istikhara which i have and he has too.
But i dont know what to do…
I hope you can advice me or us inshallah. I just have no one to go to no one to speak to about my issues or get any islamic advice as he was always my GO TO for everything even islam.