pre-marriage

Emara asked 6 years ago

Salam, 
I met a guy while I was studying, and we became friends and now planning to get married in a year inshallah. He is a revert for a few years. We both come from  different family background, mine being a conservative islamic background while he is not. He had a rough childhood and used to suffer from depression. He also had a child from his previous relationship before he reverted. I accepted everything that he went through and I don’t have any problems regarding it. However, he has really strong sexual desires. He does not want to have sex but he sometimes want to talk about it, and it made me feel comfortable. He often gets turned on and when he is, he wants to do some acts that is inappropriate like masturbation. He also wants to discuss about it, and I feel so uncomfortable talking about it because sometimes it can be very vivid.  I have told him that it is wrong to do so, however he told me that his imam says that its fine as long as he does ghusl after it. If I try to advice him to fast or do dzikir, he becomes defensive and act immaturely and say that its part of him. To be honest, our main argument is because of this. I told him to be patience and have faith till we are married. It somehow does not makes sense to him because he have made a promise of marriage, why can’t we be affectionate?. I try my best to understand his situation because he has a different culture from mine as he is white while im arab, he was raised differently, and did not have many people in his life to guide him. I feel like I can’t just leave him just because of one flaw even though its a big flaw, as he is a great father, great brother and son to his family, always put other people’s need before himself, hard working, prays 5 times a day, fast, learn about islam and I know he will be a good husband. I am somewhat confused on what should I do, as sexual desire is a human nature, but this issue is getting on my nerve. However, I always pray for him to be better. I have prayed istikhara, but during that period, everything was great. but few months after i stopped istikharah he lost somebody in his life, and I think he was traumatized and everything just changed. So would appreciate, if you could assist on what should I do.