Hardest test in life, i am broken inside.
I am at the age between 20-30. I always knew that Islam is the truth. Allah swt is our creator. I love Allah swt so so so much. My love is endless for our creator and for our Prophet Muhammed s.a.w. I pray 5 times a day with love. I love it. The month Ramadan is my month. I love it and enjoy it. I try to do everything acording to the Quran and Sunnah. I have been to Mecca to perform the Hajj.
My issue is….
I hate my selff. I really really hate myself.
I wake up with a broken soul and hart.
I stress every second, yes every second of the day. I think about it every second of the day. It destroys me from the inside. Im depressed. I just want to sleep al day long. I dont understand why me as muslim. Am i also beeing tested. I just want Allah to love me, that’s it. And i want him to take my soul in a good state. I don’t want to live long with this pain i feel everyday. Everyday is a struggle. Everyday i wake up and put my fake smile in my face for my family and friends. I feel to depressed know. I cant do it anymore. I hate myself. I feel like the world is against me. I dont want to hate my selff. I want to be normal. Beceause im not normal. Im gay. I always knew it. Never ever had i feelings for a woman.
It’s not in my hands. For my brains it is normal like men and woman should be together. I dont understand. I know i can never marry, have love or anything. Im just for myself. There is not even 1% off a feeling towards a woman. 100% towards a men. I dont understand. How is this possible? I pray everyday, i cry eveyday. I layed my head onto the Kaba and ask Allah for him to cure me. I begg and cry everyday. I am broken. I dont know what to do. I try to read the Quran everyday. Im really sad inside and just want Allah swt to love me. I pray for everyone and for myselff. May Allah help us.
I dont know what to do.
