Mother makes marriage difficult

Mother makes marriage difficultCategory: ParentingMother makes marriage difficult
Amina asked 8 years ago

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatu

Dear Sheikh,

First of all I would like to great you in the name of Allah swt and I hope that you can help me out 
in sha allah. You are the last hope I have apart from Allah and I really need guidance on what to do. This is going to be a long
story and I cannot shorten it because I need you to understand the key problem.
I hope you have enough time for this, in sha allah. 

My friend has introduced me to her brother about 8 months ago. She gave him my mobile number and we started to 
talk to each other on a regualr basis. I know it was not the appropiate way but may Allah swt have mercy on us. I live with my mother and my two younger brothers in UK and my mother never really bothered to look for a potentional spouse for me, as she
believed in this society and time we are, I would manage to find a spouse on my own. Many men have asked for my hand but for some reason I never really liked the men. Now this guy and I have developed feelings for each other and he used to come and visit us and he got to know my mother and my brothers. My mother always praises him and she loves him like her own son. 

3 months after we started \”dating\”, we spoke to my mother about wanting to get married. That time it was November 2015 and we planned to get married on August 2016. The very first thing she said was \”No. We came to the UK for my daughter to go to university and she has to finish her degree which will take 3 years and then you can get married.\” We were very frustated because we keep \”dating\” for 3 years,Allah forbid, but who knows what can happen?
For months and months we tried to convince her but whenever I talked about marriage with her she gets mad at me and she shouts at me, so I stopped.  We cpntinued \”dating\” and we started to see each other alone, in public, etc. May Allah forgive us both but me and him, we did not pray regualry but still we feared Allah. After some time you can imagine what happens, two young people in love, not married, 21st century and so on. So then I really started getting scared, about our future. We were on the edge of comitting zina. And then I spoke to my mother again, obviously I did not tell her that we have been intime. She said \”Since your father would be the one to decide this anyway, why dont you ask him? I know for sure he will say no but go on and ask.\” So I asked him on the same day and he said mashallah I am more than happy for you. I told the guy about it and we decided to get married on July 2016 instead of August since we are in a dangerous situation.  My father said he si fine with July and also the guy\’s family but my mother is not happy, she says we will get married November 2017 because I have to got o university first and see if I can cope to have a family and education at the same time. My father spoke to her and asked her not to be too harsh, since we love each other and anything can happen. I dont know how but suddenly my father changed his mind as well. He said you have to go to the uni and see if you can cope. I got frustrated and talked him down and alhamdulillah he agreed with me again. 

Now in the middle of the planning, we got evicted from our property and we became homeless. For nearly 4 motnhs we are looking for a new house and in the meantime we are staying with a friend. Everything has been put on hold again. My mother is saying you are not getting married until we find a place to stay and even if we find something, there is no way you are getting married on July. Now this is the biggest problem: Me and the guy have comitted zina. Many times. I am so ashamed and I feel so filthy. I started praying and asking for forgivness and he is doing the same. We stopped talking to each other, we were not seeing each other. I said if you want to see me, come to my house when my mother or my brothers are here otherwise we cannot meet, because I do not want to ruin our future and especially not our akhira. He agreed to that and I kept on asking my mom for her permission because I missed him and everything was so hard but unfortunately she did not want to change her mind. We continued like that for 2 weeks and then it did not go like that anymore. We went back to our old ways until we reached a point where we almost forgot Allah, our fear and akhira. Then again I spoke to him about what we are doing and how wrong it is. I told him that our nikah may not even be valid if we continue like this and our marriage will be doomed. So we started again with praying and everything. We still talk on the phone but just for few minutes. Now that it is ramadan, he only calls me for sahur,fajr prayer and iftar to tell me its time. 

We still hope and fight for getting married next month although my mother is making everything a nightmare. Sometimes he pushes me to speak up and talk about what I want, but I cant do it. I cant bear her anger and the way she looks at me when I ask to get married. I am starting to feel like I am asking for something wrong and she is so right to yell at me. I have not been a good muslim and I am ashmed and now I am starting to read hadiths about marriage,life and the religion, I always watch your videos just to gain a little bit more knowledge and I want to go back to Allah to save my life and my future with this guy. Every time when I tell her \”mother Allah swt said do not delay nikah because many problems will come if we delay it for no apprent reason\” she always laughs at me and says \”since when do you know something about the religion? do you wanna teach me something now? I am older than you and I know it much better than you will ever know.\” Subhanallah, I am almsot 22 years old and she should be proud that I decide to finally learn the quran and gain knowledge, I might have not done it before but it is never too late. Wallahi when I see women who are younger than me and they already have 1 or 2 children, my heart breaks. And the way my mother looks at them, with love in her eyes and then she says \”Oh Allah, please do not take me to akhira, before I have not seen my daughter\’s children.\” Ya sheikh, can you believe how confused and heartbroken I am? There is a guy who loves me and I love him, we could get married and she would look at me with love in her eyes just like she does with the other women.  

Besides I said to her I do not want a wedding,because of all the music and dancing and singing. She got mad obvisously and she said if there is no wedding then she wants the guy to give her £3000. By Allah, he does not have that much money but he said wherever he gets it from, he will give it to her. Her excuse is \” Oh so-and-so her daughther had the biggest wedding mashallah, it was so beautiful. What happened to you? You always loved weddings and you wanted to have one yourself but now you dont want it because he said that to you,right? Is he poor?\” I want to cry wallahi, he gave my mother over £1000 when we struggles although I am not his wife and he does not even want the money back, all he wants is me. And yet she is talking like that. Not in front of him of course but she says that to me. Now she convinced me to have a wedding and I cannot argue with her anymore, I am sick of it. 

Please, I beg you in the name of Allah, I am too scared to speak up because I do not even know my rights over my mother I always think she is the only one who has rights over me. I hope you can help me, Wallahi I am scared to end up in hellfire because I contradicted her once. What can I do? I have been so bad and I have comitted so many sins, will Allah forgive me and is there still hope left for me? And how can I deal with my mother? 

I hope you can forgive me that I have taken so much of your time but there is no one else I can speak to. In sha allah its ramadan may Allah grant you and your familiy jannah, I will make du\’a for all of us.

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatu