Lost girl

Rania asked 5 years ago

Salam. I’m a 23 year old girl who recently got engaged to my first cousin. I was very against it and said “no” multiple times. My mother, sister and his mother kept harassing me and harassing me until eventually I said “yes”. They told me it was the right decision because if I said no my father was going to end up sending me and my younger sister back home to get married because there’s nobody here. The day after my Fatha I got a DM from a man in New York. Instantly I told myself that if I accept his message I would be opening doors that can’t be closed. We messaged and talked and this first thing I told him was that I was engaged. He asked me if I was happy and I immediately became emotional because I wasnt. I cried myself to sleep that night bad the following week. At work I would have panic attacks and cry in the bathroom. I tried to call it off before the khutba but my parents wouldn’t let me. They kept giving me the guilt trip. The khutba went on and I talked to the guy in NY for a few weeks and told him that I have to give my fiancé a chance. I did just that. I pray and prayed. Woke up in the middle of the night and prayed. I read the Quran and continue to pray. I dont know what it is but I’m still not happy. In fact I’m miserable. I’m living this lie. Everything I wanted I dont want anymore. Just last night my father called me down and asked what I wanted and I told him that I wanted to call it off. Both him and my mother threatened me but I stuck to it. This morning I woke up and started having a panic attack again because I know all the embarrassment and hate I would get for breaking it off and then people would talk bad about me if I get engaged to a guy in NY so soon. I told them not to break it off and that I would try harder. I have a little sister and I want to see her get married one day. I’m so lost. I want to be happy with him but I’m not. My family trapped me and told me that if I’m anytime I want out I could but every single one of them went back on their word. My heart hurts everyday and I pray for the world. Please, I pray, I do everything I can for guidance but I’m getting no where. Does anybody have advice? Or words of encouragement. Is there a light at the end of this dark tunnel? Please make Dua for me, please