Last resort

Faria asked 5 years ago

I don’t know where to start. There’s so much. I’ve been married 5 yrs now and I am deeply unhappy so much so that I am now falling into depression and my parents and friends are worried as I am no longer the person I used to be.
My husband doesn’t love me and he openly says this as well. He tells me that if I found someone else he’d let me go. But I can’t do this as it’s sin as I am still married. He says he just wants me to be happy and feels guilty divorcing me.
We’ve had a lot of problems which aren’t getting better. It’s a vicious circle. No matter what I do him and his family are not happy with me.
We had an arranged marriage as I wanted to do things Islamically. I had no past but he told me he was in an intimate relationship with a girl for 9 yrs which her parents never agreed to their marriage but that he repented and was ready to do things right. I believed him but found out after marriage he wasn’t over her. She was deeply integrated into his family house and she had their house keys etc. I found messages calls between them etc….but then she moved on and married someone else. My husbands mum blames me and says I tricked him into marriage and that I am just after his money even though Allhumdalila I am well off. She stole my clothes, ransacked our bedroom, swore at me etc…she still says swear words about me behind my back to my husband as I have seen her messages to him about me and he goes along with it.
We aren’t allowed to legally register our marriage as his mum doesn’t want us to and says I want his money and my husband agrees with his parents. He says they’re worried and old etc…so we just have a nikkah. We aren’t allowed to live more than 10 min away because my husband wants to keep his parents happy so we live in one of his dads houses next door to his parents. His parents have the keys to our house. My husband lied that his parents dont have keys. I found out because my stuff was being moved in the bedroom a few times and things were thrown in the drive way from our freezer. I told my husband stuff is being moved but he said it’s in my head etc…So I put a camera and found his mum in the house in our bedroom on many occasions. Which I told my husband. I am not allowed to change the front door lock as he says it’ll make things worse. My parents got me a lockable trunk so I have that in the bedroom but most of my nice expensive stuff I don’t bring in the house as I am worried it’ll go missing. We got an alarm system but my husband doesn’t alarm it always and then his key fob wasn’t working so his mum came again.
He usually comes home late as he often goes Pokémon hunting and is at his parents or friends so I sleep alone mostly. I feel scared have nightmares and uneasy so I’ve started to lock the bedroom door with his consent. He rarely sleeps at the same time as me so it makes no difference to him. He often sleeps downstairs comes up at 4/5am etc…he rarely touches me intimately. Probably once every 6 months. And when I moan and say anything he says I want too much intimacy. On our days off he mostly goes out with his parents and sister or friends or football and tells me he’ll be home late or go to my parents who live an hour away. We spend almost no time together. I have to plead and argue and beg him to spend any time with me or have intimacy. He doesn’t feel the need naturally. Then when I ask him why he says he needs a bond and there’s no trust and girls need more attention than guys etc…I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried seeing his parents alone to make an effort. I cook what he likes to eat. Ive even tried getting into Pokémon and staying out till 1am to do it but nothing I do is enough. I make myself look nice. Everyone says I am a sensible and pretty girl. I am quiet compared to my husband. He is loud and very streetwise. What am I lacking? He is Guyanese and I am Pakistani. He says I am too sensitive when I moan he spends no time with me and he says I am too clingy. He comes home from work 9.30 when he’s not busy Pokémon hunting and with friends family otherwise it’s usually midnight or after. All I ask is to spend one day a week together. I want to decorate the house do painting and do gardening and go to ikea etc together but he has no interest so I’ve been using my money and painting doing stuff alone but I am not happy. I’ve been living out of a mini fridge for months with no freezer it’s so hard to cook I have to get things fresh. I’ve asked him many times let’s get a fridge freezer I’ll pay half the money but he’s still not interested. I’ve asked him about 6 times now. He doesn’t pay bills on time. He gets parking tickets all the time. He takes his parents and sister on holiday without me but never goes on holiday with me. Then when I say something he says I need to take initiative and book something and he’ll come. But when I try he finds excuses and then I find out he’s going on holiday with his sister or parents or other places. I feel he hates me. Every single time I suggest an idea to bring love or a bond like going shopping together or cinema or decorating or even holiday or buying a fridge he just says the marriage isn’t stable he doesn’t trust me so there’s no point. He keeps talking about divorce. At the beginning of our marriage when I found out he was talking to his ex girlfriend I used to bring up divorce a lot but I was upset angry and I said sorry and have now moved past it. Also it’s sin to use it so trivial. It’s been 5 yrs now and he’s saying the same thing. No matter what I do he just doesn’t want to spend time with me or show any affection or move forwards. The odd time he might if he sees that I am down so we might go out once a few months but other times I am usually alone. I am nearly 31 he’s nearly 34 I really want kids. Have wanted them for years. But he says again the marriage isn’t stable and he’ll see next year. I am getting older I want to move forwards now in this marriage but he’s full of doubts. I’ve asked him many times to see an imam with me but he doesn’t want to. I am extremely hurt all I do is cry. I’ve turned to Allah swt for the past few yrs. I pray my 5 times I try to be good. I am a simple responsible girl. I am educated Allhumdalila an optometrist my husband is a doctor. My parents want to talk to his parents but his parents don’t want to get involved and my husband doesn’t want them to talk either. My husband goes to jummah doesn’t drink or smoke etc….he doesn’t know how to read the Quran but I don’t think he’s a bad person per say so I am confused. He behaves like a child and just cares about keeping his parents and sister happy which I understand but why do I feel so neglected then? Are husbands like this? He never messages me during the day even though in the beginning I always did. I see him online constantly but he ignores me. At home he’s glued to his phone. He drives whilst playing games on his phone. I feel I am a bad person. Nothing I do he’s happy with. My self esteem has gone. I feel I’ve given up on this world and just think about jannah inshallah. My parents have forced me to see my doctor who wants me to see a counsellor but it doesn’t change my circumstances. I am scared of divorce. I don’t want to go to hell. Will I go to hell if I do take divorce? My husband feels guilty I think if he divorces me. He feels guilty for my future. But I feel the lack of love and loneliness no kids and control from his mum is really hurting me mentally. I feel withdrawn. I have prayed istikhara many times over these years but my marriage isn’t getting better. If it’s better for me to divorce I want my husband to do it as I don’t think I can but he feels guilty I think so doesn’t go through with it. My parents want me to look for someone else and leave him but I can’t do it as it’s haram I am still married so I told them I am looking but I am not. When I tell him he shouldn’t feel guilt he says he doesn’t want a divorce etc but there’s no trust bond etc…but then he doesn’t want to change anything to fix it. He tells me to just accept him how he treats me and that’s his personality and he means no malice and that he will play on his phone when driving etc…currently he spends every weekend sleeping at his parents as he says he needs that time for himself as he’s unhappy so I either sleep alone in that house next to his parents or travel to my parents. Now that he sees I am really really down and borderline depression he’s told me to go to my parents to rest so I am here for Ramadhan. He messages me once every 5 days. I don’t want to take a divorce and fail allah swt test and regret it. How do I know what decision to make? I don’t know what else to do. I am getting older and older theres no sign of even trying for a child. May Allah swt have mercy on us all and help us all whatever hardship we are going through….
Jazakallah khair