Jihad in disease but with fear of suicide

Jihad in disease but with fear of suicideCategory: OtherJihad in disease but with fear of suicide
Khuda Bux asked 6 years ago

Sir, i am Khuda Bux, an individual from Hyderabad, Sindh. I’ve one major problem from my birth or so. When i was very little and immature, i used to experience the high bouts of anger or anxiety without any rhyme or reason. once it was so intense that i suffered from it for one year. i noticed that it was some infection or some temporary disease it does not last for ever that i become mad or so and so. and it was also not because i was a lonely individual and don’t socialize my self. i experienced that in the months of hotness like in june,july or augut it was very much intense and also when the weather was at it’s change. and at the end when it was about to finish i experienced flue and influenza like symptoms, also coughing and severe sneezes. so it was something which has very bad effect on my brain. for one year when it was very severe all were upset because of my behaviour even once it was so extreme that i attempted to suicide for once. in that period there was no era of laptops, internet connection or TV with cable connection that i could spend that time lonely, i was unaware that how much it will last and what is the actual cause for this, and how to stop that cause from damaging my brain more and more. I shamefully may say this that there is a blacksheep residing in our house who actually provides me with such harmfull mind aching substance in meals from my birth in small or heavy amounts. Now this has become my jihad or revolution to find out that blacksheep. this i come to know when after that period of one year of torture some very white substance came out from my nasal passage which was in the brain earlier. that substance was actually very horrible, itching and sour/bitter, that’s why it created much stress and anxiety. not only this that some one was providing me with such substance but my jihad is also related to thoughts of my uncle who thinks and has permanent belief that there is nothing wrong with me, he believs that doing styles, upgrading one’s personality and being independent is the identity of wulgars, his thoughts are very much old and thinks that modernisation is bad.the other thing is that some one else is saying him that i am wrong and he has a permanent believe on that, because already once i have behaved very rough with them because of that mind ache when i was immature and didn’t know how to control it, but he is wrong too because he thinks modernization is bad, and he is surrendering on the orders of those whom i think that they have provided me with such substance in meals. now the point is if one who is none else then our housemate who lives with us can do such a bad deed then you can imagine that how much his/her heart is fill with hatred for me, and what would be his limit of thinking that. after all that i have been in cadet college petaro for 5 years, there i felt very much better change not only physically but also mentally, because there that substance was releasing slowly slowly by sneezes or wastes. not only that substance but also that period was very much good because of social contact with colleges and i come to know that how much era is modernized compared to our house where there we have to take permission from elders for every little and minute cause, and this not only imply on me but also on my brother. we were treated like mummy daddy, we also have our lives, our interests and much more but all of them are dumped. now after those 5 years in cadet college petaro when i returned back home, again that process started firstly i felt a severe flu, actually now i know that it was the bigening of that process that once again that substance was provided to me but now it’s too late, when i had newly came from Petaro then 2 or 3 years after that my body was totally filled with that substance, and then it started to release out from my body, at this time i have known that when this substance was in my lower body except head i used to have severe acidity because of its sticky and sour/bitter like nature. then i consulted to many doctors but they said nothing was physically harming my body, all blood tests were clear, i also had sputum AFB (Acid Fast Bacilli) test and water test secretly without informing to anyone so that whatever they gave should appear in that water and this test resulted that water was contaminated and bacteria has colonized. but this was not the result which i needed because it was about water culture and bacteria and every one drank that water but how come only i fall sick. now i have known that no any test will be helpful for me except chemical test, and the chemical test laboratories are only located in the capital city of Islamabad, and they charge a handsome amount of Rs. 2 or 3 lacks per test, which is very difficult. but now i have decided that at any cost i will come to know that what is that substance at least, to know who is providing me with such substance to boycott from him/her and not to eat his/her meals. for now i eat my meals together with someone and not alone and also care about drinks and water. you will be amazed to hear that the water which i used to drink earlier which was provided to me by  none else but my mother, she used to give me the water which sometimes i caught was white in color, i said that what is it, why it’s color is white. she answered that it is the bores water which came from our field. at that time i drank it but now i see every glass of water before drinking. i have never thought, even you would be shocked to hear that a mother can go upto that extant. when i was little she used to beat me very severely, although every mother beats her children but not upto that extant, she used to hit my head on the water tap when she used to take me a bath and i also had nasal bleeding because of that. so now i know all the things that when i will feel much anxiety because of that substance  and when i will be fine back again. now all the substance in the body is released but only it is remaining in the brain, and now it is very difficult. previously before petaro that headache was only limited to the brain but this time the complete body was filled by it so this time it will be even harder with more complexity and much anxiety, and this time also there is fear of death because it is so intense, but the doctors and all tests say their is nothing serious, except some X-rays which show the infection in chest/lungs. now the only way is to lock myself in the room for that period with some happy making things like TV and laptop for that period till that substance is completely released out from my body. and in that period i also have to take care of the meals but i can not eat meals together with someone because of that i have planned to install a camera in kitchen to ensure that meals are hygienic. this is my Jihad for 3 causes, one is for taking care of food and in that period i will also not remember any thing to eat meals together or not, so i have kept alarm reminder in my phone so that memory is not lost. the other thing is the removal of misunderstanding that modernization/ living independent life is not like vulgars but instead it has become necessity of this era. and the third thing is that during that condition generally i should not come out of that room because of that mental and physical condition. so this is my Jihad for this purpose, and i don’t have to leave that room at any cost in that period, but one thing is fearing me that if i kill my self with not in senses then what?? and living in that room not physically killing myself but indirectly i will be killing my self, because i know i can die of loneliness or i would be not in senses then will that locking in the room itself and then dying will be a shahadat or a Suicide? or killing oneself in that period because of not being in senses will be shahadat or suicide??