I am born Muslim who is 20 years old.
I have mentally, physically , sexually abused many people for years. I have lied to the people i love to get what i want. I have lied to god for years that i will stop doing the things that are haram but i always go back. I Have harmed my self every now and then with substances. I became something more of kafr and munafiq but i still believe in words of allah and the judgement day and his messenger muhamad salalah alayuh wa salam. I cannot think when i know that i have done all the sins that this world can offer. I have made zinna many times and lost my virginity before marriage, numerous people made tattoos about me, I might have caused and killed someone. I have deceived people who are innocent for years where they lived in lie of my reality and the reality of the worlds situation. I have done everything, that is defined by the devil himself. but i also ask if its possible for god to forgive me. i feel weak in these times. i have missed many ramadans and here i am. I have no where to go. I have caused harm to my body and the body of others and the serenity of families and my social construct. i want to know if theres a good end to this. and how am i to judge of how to fix my mistakes when. I only ask for judgement of god to strike me with his lightning so i could die and not commit another sin so i might have an easy road to heaven after hell. i feel little to no remorse, a cheap guilt , and a psychopath that lived among men. how can god forgive and give light to my wicked mind. How can I see to this. I feel as if I have been perished from this world…
