guidance

hannah asked 2 years ago

asalamualykum, 
 
i am a university student and i met a man online living in in a different country, and we met through a studying website. 
We shared our phone numbers and we booked some online sessions to study together on this website; bare in mind you just sit in silence for an hour in each session and study, however we did talk for a few minutes at the beginning before starting.
 
After i finished my exams we started talking properly and regularly, and we both liked eachother and eventually told eachother that, and fast forward to now, it’s a really complicated situation. 
I visited him this Year and it was fine and well, however he did show some anger for when i did not eat or neglect myself sometimes, and i always thought you know at least he is caring about me, however the way it was given to me was very toxic and hurtful. This also happened when i was completing some assignments whilst on the visit, and he would tell me “this is why you’ll be a failing student” “this is what a careless person would do!” etc etc and comparing me to my friends and this was because i had got a image from google to correspond with the text i was writing in that text box, that didn’t correspond to it exactly accurate or according to what it said, to be specific i talked about a disease being more relative in women and men as in 2 to 1 however the image did not represent a 2 to 1 outlining. 
This did make me upset and emotional because i was hurt by what he said. He always gets very nervous and anxious and apologetic when he sees me upset so he started to try to explain himself and etc and when i saw him getting really upset and trying to hold back emotions i did feel bad and just told him it’s okay and just let him know i am fine now and we got along again quickly.
 
He is a really caring person, like really really really and truly caring, he will order anything i need for eg any back pain i have or look into what i must say to the doctor at my appointments or write a list so i don’t forget but he is also very demanding and asks me if a particular friend is making me eat less or if i disagree with him on something he’ll ask which friends ruined my mind, or question me on alot of things and make me eat 4 meals a day and show him the meals and if not he won’t talk to me the next day. This has made me feel not enough or lacking and unloved sometimes too even though he does this stuff out of care. Now i do realise that premartial relationships are haram and you’re probably just blaming everything on the fact that we got into one before marriage, however, this is the reality for some muslims and when i did see him as genuinely a good guy, caring, a real man and educated, i did see him as a potential spouse.
 
And i still do, however we fight alot. And recently we decided to break up because of the amount of arguments and disagreements we got into, and me thinking its his fault and him thinking its my fault. I know he did things out of my own benefit and did and said things out of care but he did them in a very toxic and controlling manner, that made me feel not good enough and not worthy.
I explained to him that i wanted him to change this verbal abuse and that i would support him through it but he has to change for himself and not me otherwise it just won’t work, however he completely backfired and when i explained further in detail what i mean by his controlling behavior he backfired greatly and i guess this is because it hurt his ego. I understand that.
 
Now we did decide to just break it off however he did ask if we could just stay as friends which i was going to oppose at first however i knew i could not just cut it off after literally speaking daily and even spending time with eachother for months. 
So i said i am not against it. And now i am at the situation where we do speak but he is saying he misses me and wants me back but does not want to attached to eachother or think abojt eachother. He has exams coming up and obviously this break up has affected him however i am trying my best to get him back up because i really don’t want him to regret failing or putting his parents at a burden of having to watch and pay for him to retake this course. 
Obviously in return he has just naturally started to like the way i am basically caring for him and that is because i do and i am even telling him he should get closer to Allah. 
Thats is my main message basically, because i realised in order for him to be more gentle with his words, more committed to studying, not so attached to me, more decisive about his decision and to overall be at ease, he should get closer with Allah. And don’t get me wrong he knows alot about religion and has taught me alot and is engulfed around religion, however i just feel like he need a more intimate connection with Allah and he will realise himself what is right and what is not. 
Now the situation for us exterior wise is not so easy as well, because his parents are very picky on the backgrounds and ethnicities of the wives their sons choose/have, so nothing is even guaranteed.
 
But here is the thing, at the end of the day the Man is his own Wali and he can marry whomever he wants(also i do believe whatever allah wishes will happen despite anything and everything) and as briefly described, this boy does care alot of me and does see me as someone he wishes to be with. 
Right now he doesn’t ask how many meals i have had, he is not so involved with my life and we both just share what we share like how we are and work and/or uni, or maybe talk about friends we both know of from when we were together or our families etc
 
So it is just unlabelled right now, and i talked to my mother about this and she said you have to know what will happen at least but i really just cannot tell or am very conflicted.
 
He asked me a fee hours ago what he should do about this situation and i gave him my genuine advice and said in order to move on and lose the attachment we must just refrain from speaking to eachother all together, and him still loving me is something he must just suck up and he can do something about it like just making dua we meet again. 
However i do not want to basically disconnect or discontinue my support fkr him especially in this critical time during his exams firstly, and secondly my intention when helping him was truly to try to get him closer to Allah as i explained previously, however disconnecting will just seem as though i no longer give my support and what if he just starts going back or it just doesnt help him i fell if i were to do this after his exams would make much more sense. 
now i have tried to watch many lectures and videos on this topic but non are detailed enough or considerate enough because they just give a base outlook on why premartial relationships shouldn’t happen, however they do not explain what to do, other than stop talking. That’s why i decided to just ask and explain everything in hopes one would understand and take this as asking for guidance.
I really am unsure what to do, i feel like this situation is wrong however take for example we were married, i would still have these same issues as in controlling and showing some levels in toxicity in his worlds and the way he gets things across; this is still something i would have to deal with. I know it is not my duty to try to help him but the only reason i ever broke up with him was for this very reason and he is aware of that.
The situation is hard to decipher and difficult to make 1 strong decision. When we didn’t speak for a week i would check if he is online multiple times a day and see if he has posted anything or if there is literally any activity going on.
I also feel guilty to have gone into this relationship and basically treated it as though we are going to get married then to just leave eachother and never speak again? 
Surely there is some good in this and it can be turned into a marriage or into something serious. 
I do not want to go into a relationship again, however i do not want to stop talking either. I feel it is unfair on me for fulfilling my duties as a “wife” and he did as well as a “husband” because he did treat eachother as such and that is why it is so different and difficult to deattach from eachother it just feels wrong and abnormal. 
 
Also i would just like to say i live alone on campus, i do not speak to any guys inside university or outside and i contribute alot in sisters talks, the isoc and charity weeks. I do not wish to boast about myself but i do see this guy as my security as well, he does take very good care of me and like many women i do feel like i need a man in my life to control some things especially because both my parents live abroad and i do not have that parental figure in my life currently. I do see myself to be very astute and responsible as well as mature, and i do feel like myself and this significant other did get along well but the arguments just kept going? 
I read this hadith that you can know a persons character is good from when you see how they act when they are angry and tempted. And this person is not good with neither. Recently i told him i got onto the van the university basically drops you off to your accommodation when it is late outside the library, however when i wanted to open the door to sit at the back the old man driver remarked it to be rude so i pretended i was not aware i could sit at the front in order to not hurt his feelings and proceeded to sit at the front. When i told him this the day it happened he said “oh looks like youre going back into the old noora” as in weak and not able to stick up for myself, or “too nice”. Which he always had an issue with. So i ended the call and he apologised shortly after saying he just said that to make himself feel better about not being together and that he is sorry and that he acts in this behavior when he is not happy about something but obviously as you may grasp, it is toxic. 
if you are to remark something for the care of someone you say it in a caring and gentle way as the prophet saw taught us but not in this egotistical and toxic way. 
And that annoys me, that this could have been something beautiful and on the way of Allah but he just ruins it with his behavior and mostly verbally. 
And it really annoys me. Because now i am just in a position where do i go ahead and give this another chance, do i refrain from that and stop talking forever,  with relative disadvantages, do i just stay as friends?
I have made istikara and at first i felt like because we were able to have a conversation about allah i felt like perhaps its a yes and then after a few days he said something like i don’t want there to be a possibility right now for this relationship because there are issues with the both of us relative to us both so i was like well ok is that a no then. 
I really do not want this to end, because then thay is just bad and wouldve been a great waste of time which i hate to even think because i never go for things unless i see sense in them so i dont want this to have gone to waste just like that and i can’t relate to these frivolous relationships these other teens maybe my age or older have where no loyalty commitment or religion is involved and i feel like the lectures about all this stuff is dedicated towards them or directed to that type of relationship.
 
I just really felt i should just explain in detail in order to receive an answer directed towards me and my current situation. 
 
Jazakallah Khayran.