Bad relationship with parents

Bad relationship with parentsCategory: OtherBad relationship with parents
Struggeling muslim asked 3 years ago

Salam alaikum. My mom and I don’t have the best relationship, and we’ve never really had a good relationship with each other to even begin with, she told me that even when I was just a child I’d prefer my dad over her and he was rarely in the picture, I cut contact with him some years ago now, he was abusive which resulted in authorities getting involved. Every time I hear someone say they love their mom, I really wish I could relate and I pretend as if I do. I defend her towards others (my friends) and always say that she’s never laid a finger on me, and sometimes I’ll even swear on it even tho it’s a big big lie. And I’ll say that she’s the best mom etc. I’m getting older, and have been told to leave town and never speak with my family again when I finish school. I am not gonna say that I’ve been a perfect daughter, I’ve committed numerous sins and wrongdoings towards my mother and her reputation, and she has always forgiven me. But lately it’s gotten way too bad, every day she’ll curse me saying “may Allah curse you, may Allah curse you, may Allah curse you” and make very bad dua for me while at the same time saying “I want you to have a child like yourself and for them to cause you the same pains” and this is just a very few of the things that she would say to me every day. But i don’t want a child like myself, and I don’t want to be a mother like her. Will her dua against me be accepted? Can I be forgiven for my mistakes? I feel like the sins are too much to be forgiven. If Allah doesnt want to forgive me why repent? I feel like my heart is hardened, that Allah really doesn’t want me to be a muslim. I’m lost and I’m losing faith. I don’t come from a religious background, never learned how to pray or read quran. I really want to learn. At one point i started praying but quickly fell off track. My friends see me as a girl who’s got everything in control and nothing wrong in my life, but truth is everything is a mess and I don’t know how to get out of it. I constantly tell my self to learn how to pray etc but i dont make the effort. I constantly think of Allah, deen and judgement day but make little to no effort in getting jannah. Today she said “jannah lies under the feet of a mother” and left me. I’m lost, I don’t know what to do. My iman is so low.