I’m a 16 y/o girl from the U.S. I was born into a Muslim family (Alhamdulillah) and my father is a very religious person (he prays, fasts, give Islamic advice to people). My mother is more liberal, she says the shahada but doesnt fast, etc.
Anyway, I’ve always had a very tense relationship with my Iman as it was stuck between devotion and liberalism. Only about a month ago did I finally begin praying again and I am going to take up wearing the hijab for the first time since I was 12.
The problem, however, lies in that I have committed many sins (major and minor) before I regained my Iman. I had a (Hindu) boyfriend (I wont go into what happened between us but I’m sure you know), I lied, stole money from my parents and merchandise from stores, I watched/heard illicit things (movies, songs, etc), and almost committed shirk by getting intrested in the zodiac and magic (Astagfirullah). I didn’t pray or fast, I gave zakah for the first time last week, and I made oaths in Allah’s (SWT) name that I did not keep. I backbit people around me and I was disrespectful to my parents to the point of even hitting my father. I am very ashamed of myself and I intend to seek their forgiveness very soon in private.
I understand that I have made these sins and have tried to make up for them (I’ve fasted during this month of Ramadan, prayed, made du’a, given charity). I have to make up 7 days already (6 for my mestruation and 1 for missing due to sickness). And I don’t mean to despair of Allah’s mercy and forgiveness, but I don’t know if I have done enough? I know the ruling for missing fasts with no excuse, breaking an oath, and doing other major sins is that I must free a slave, give 60 poor people 1.5 kg of food, or fast 60 consecutive days.
I cannot do any of this simply for the fact that my sins are to numerous. Just to make up for my 4 years of missed fasts would be several years of consecutive fasting.
Again, I’ve made prayer and du’a over this and I am terrified of the punishment of Jahanam. I’ve prayed that Allah (SWT) will not take my soul until he is pleased with me.
What else can I do?